When I woke up this morning I felt like "D" was for Dread. I had been asked to go do something that I enjoy doing, but I was filled with a new set of doubts, so rather than feeling a sense of excitement for the opportunity to use the gifts that God has given me, I wanted to bury them in a hole. But, seeing as the Master doesn't look too kindly on those who bury their talents in holes, I wasn't reaching for the shovel as a way out.
I have been doing "public speaking" for as long as I can remember and I am always in awe at how the Lord continues to open doors. Speaking is something that keeps me on my knees, for fear of failure. It seems that no matter how many times I speak publicly and it doesn't kill me, I still drive to the next place with an overwhelming amount of anxiety. I begin to behave as though-- this time...I will surely die. In my pre-speaking imaginative reality, people scoff and throw vegetables; I am deemed unworthy and invaluable. Anger ensues at my utter attempt and madness reigns the meeting.
This morning the enemy attacked with a new set of weapons, and this time I found myself fearful as I dodged new arrows that I were not familiar at all. The group of women that I was to be addressing were a little unknown to me, and when I walked in the room, I kept hearing the lies play in my head,
"What you have to share will not matter to them!"
"They will not find relevance in your words!"
With all the lies trying to intrude, I had no choice but to battle with prayer. I found peace in those moments, because no matter how alarmingly fierce the enemy's new weapon might have been...mine was still fiercer. My sword is always sharper and my shield is always more sturdy. I prayed over and over,
"Please God, use something I say to touch one woman's life""Please God, don't let them see me--let them only see YOU."
As I stood in the room, meeting lots of new women, I noticed that a familiar face came through the door. A woman I know came and stood by my side. This woman is a treasure that I have only recently stumbled upon, and she is blessing my life, and the life of my daughter, with her generosity and hospitality, in a way that a Mother only dreams. She leaned in to me and said, "I don't know why I am here, my daughter told me I had to come today." So, I smiled at her and said, "You're here for me. God wanted you here."
I don't remember much about the time while I spoke, I know that there were things that I said not knowing I would. I guess those are the things that God wanted revealed. I just know that as I looked into their eyes, saw their tears and heard their laughter, I knew that by not burying my talent, I was being blessed once again.
God is constantly working out a masterpiece, just one moment at a time. Whenever I try to give Him back what is already His, whenever I try to serve Him, whenever I do what He calls me to do--He always, ALWAYS blesses me more than I bless anyone else.
On the way out the door, two women came and handed me cards. Both of them had taken the time to write out a special thank you. I was touched as I read what they shared from their hearts. I was amazed at how what I had shared was so specifically applicable to what they needed to hear, and to how they needed to be encouraged. Thinking about the things I had shared, I was awestruck at the timing, in relation to the one woman's current trial. My heart ached for the things she shared, and I was so humbled that I was the one God wanted to use, to remind her of His sovereign plans, on this day--this truly divine day.