Friday, March 4, 2011

My Green Grass

Put in my place, I couldn't even respond. So, I lowered my head and held my breath.

He saw my eyes rimmed with tears, so he lowered his voice. The waitress, with her coffee pot in hand, who was heading towards the table just moments before, turned and headed towards the elderly couple sitting near the window.

"I'm just saying that you have got to stop thinking the grass is always greener." He practically whispered this time, trying to use his words as a gentle hand to raise my head and make eye contact.

I've known for years that this is how I am lured away from the joyful place in which I could reside. For all that it is worth, it was this green grass that led me into the path of Motherhood so early in my marriage. The belief that if I had a baby...then I would be happy. And, a year later, if I had another baby...then I would be happy. Well, you get the picture...four babies later and a whole lot of diapers make for a lot of running around on that very green pasture. Suddenly, it's not so green anymore; there is a dead spot where the sprinkler is broken and there are weeds around the edge. And, the enemy thrives where I've given him ground. And then, on the other side of the fence, the lovely, green grass would catch my eye and the battle inside my mind would rage.

Over the years, I have taken this to the Lord and tried to let him be the one who satisfies of my soul. Lately, I have had a lot of time on my hands and I want to be a good steward with those hours. I don't want to waste this time that I have at home, but I was reminded this morning that I place value on the things that I do to such a degree that I cause myself a great deal of stress. Unintentionally, I live my day measuring everything that I do. The green, green grass of all the things I should be doing is calling me, tempting me to be dissatisfied. Dissatisfied with me.

Somehow, I have developed a habit of judging myself all day and beating myself up if I am not doing something of "value" with my time. My husband noticed that this was a new habit I've developed. A way for me to divert my eyes from the grass in my yard, and over to "The Yard of Greater Things I Should Be Doing". Even though I am not longing for something material, I'm still chasing. Chasing after something to give me worth. Nothing is ever going to be enough as long as I am chasing after things to give me worth. No activity will ever be enough and nothing that I ever write or do will fill the void. It's part of my battle and some days I do really well at this battle, but, some days, I need to be put in my place.

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself"
—Henry Miller