R is for Roller-coasters, and Revisions

I was thinking about my attitude toward life when I was in my 20's, my 30's and now in my 40's and it occurred to me, that while I always think I understand things from a new perspective as I age the perspective is all that really changes. I know that the roller coaster analogy has been used so often that the car is looking a little rusty and the loops that it makes are not all that thrilling--but it was so real to me, I have to share.

In my 20's, my children were bursting out of me almost faster than I could name them and being a youth pastor's wife was the primary way I defined myself and my faith. Looking 2 decades backwards, I now realize that I viewed my life as though I was riding a roller coaster. I was a passenger and I was not in control of the things that happened to me. I felt like the happenings of my life were determined primarily by the Lord. I knew that He loved me and that He cared about me as a young mother and as an inexperienced servant, I felt that if I just held on as tightly as possible, I could close my eyes and He would see me through the journey. And He did. But, along the way, there was A LOT of pain and, to be quite blunt, it scared the hell out of me.

In my 30's I think that I saw the roller coaster as a very dangerous place to be and I longed to get off. In his book, Finding God When You Need Him Most, Chip Ingram writes of the 10 Psychological Factors that contribute to depression. Recently I read through his list, and as I completed the list--my eyes clouded. I had, at one point while I was in my 30's, owned all 10.

1. major loss

2. inward anger

3. guilt (real or imagined)

4. major transition or milestone

5. grief

6. negative thinking

7. low self esteem

8. being around negative people

9. unrealistic expectations

10. self pity

No wonder I had been depressed! No wonder the roller coaster was so scary! No wonder I tried to unfasten my seat belt and jump off! Somehow, I believed that watching the roller coaster would be better than being on it and having no control. I guess I thought those were my only options.

I would love to say that now, in my 40's, I've mastered the skill of riding a terrifying ride and here is the secret... But, that is not the case. I still ride it and there are moments where I feel I am less than ready for the upcoming drop. But, I do some other things differently. I get off the ride every single day. I get off the roller coaster and I help set the tracks. I meet with the Ride Operator and listen to His plans--and then I oil the wheels and allow the Ride Director to prompt me. I also trust in the Rise Operator's ability to maneuver the car across the tracks, because unlike the unshaven, carnival worker who just flips a switch, the ride operator for the Roller-coaster we ride has foreknowledge and the power to invade and prepare me for the drops.

As far as the List of 10 Psychological Factors, I still struggle with #3 and #5 but because I have eliminated some of the other numbers--#7 is leaving my life. I am excited to see what I will think about my attitude from my 40's--when I am in my 50's, 60's and my 70's. My prayer is that I will always be open to hearing when it is time for a revision.

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way" Colossians 1:9-10

Speaking of roller-coasters and revisions, this article was originally entitled "What I Think About I Bring About" and was posted in February of 2010. I was never crazy about it, and thought many times about deleting it. I felt the original version focused too much on the a belief system that was more New Age than my own. But, this morning, on a whim, I decided that it deserved the same chance to be remade that I depend on hourly! Thanks for reading!

Q is for Quadragenarian

Ruth Huber Park is usually crowded, filled with soccer balls and the children who kick them, toddlers and the parents who swing them. Filled with noise and sunshine. But, at 6 AM, the park is quiet and misty. The Quadragenarian makes her way pass the playground equipment and toward the line of trees on the far edge of the park. She longs for the stillness of the park to penetrate her being. To calm her wild mind. She knows she shouldn't hold in all the struggles she's bearing, she should give them up to the Lord. But, she's tired and worn, so she puts it off for another day. Lately, her life has been spinning and swirling, and when she falls into bed each night, she prays, no begs, for peace. Most nights she finds blackness, which she decides, is fine. Dreams are overrated, and really, they were meant for the young. 

She used to dream ferociously, reckless movies while she slept. She used to dream longingly, romance unattained. She used to dream effortlessly, floating down a nighttime river to the dawn. Now, she doesn't spend her sleeping energy dreaming, she just...goes...to...sleep. 

Last night was far different, and it stayed for so long. She dreamed that she traveled back many years and watched her young self from afar. She saw herself insecure--looking into a mirror, crying at the shape of her face and wave in her hair. She felt for a moment the sting of regret. Disappointment was tearing into her soul. Opportunities lost. Anguish overwhelming. Too late to go back, she saw her former self hurting, broken and alone. She watched the girl write pleas for help in a diary, then lock its secrets inside.
When she woke in this state, she knew, for some reason, she was to come to this park. She prayed, "Why God? What will I find?" 
His answer was a whisper, "Go. There are things that need to be heard"

So, the Quadragenarian climbed into the family car, and drove to the park. She walked to edge of the woods and she waited. Waited to be heard. Perhaps she had come here to tell the girl of her youth all the things that she needed to know,

"You are so beautiful. Your face is so perfect, you've barely a flaw. Enjoy your supple skin, for one day you will have wrinkles, like me! And, these wrinkles, well, that's all you will see! 
"And why are you filled with regret? Life is not over! You have many things still to do. You don't know it now, but, one day,  the world will be different; different because of you. 
"And as for your secrets, don't hold them inside! Don't lock up your heart in your journal! You have no reason to hide! And, trust in your Father, lean close to Him. He got plans for your future, and that time begins now."

The Quadragenarian waited. She waited and wondered. Wondered when the time would arrive for her words to be said? Just then in the trees, a shadow appeared. Approaching her slowly was woman far past her prime, and as she got closer, the Quadragenarian saw herself in the smile. The familiar old woman then reached out with her words, and she spoke ever so carefully what needed to be heard,

"I am Octogenarian, and I must say, you are so beautiful. Your face is so perfect, you've barely a flaw. Enjoy your   wonderful skin, for one day you will have wrinkles, like me! And, these wrinkles, well, that's all they will see! 
"And why are you filled with regret? Life is not over! You have many things still to do. You don't know it now, but, one day,  the world will be different; different because of you. 
"And as for your secrets, don't hold them inside! Don't lock up your heart in your mind!  You have no reason to hide. And, trust in your Father, lean close to Him. He got plans for your future, and that time begins now."

P is for Pancakes

We do pancakes on Fridays, and we do them at IHOP.

According to Calorie Counter, each pancake (without butter and syrup) is 110 calories. Big, fluffy empty calories. So, we are fully aware that this is not the best way to start out our day. Really, we would be more health conscious if we had a bowl of Kashi cereal and a half of a grapefruit. 

We pay more than we should for our Friday breakfast, too. The IHOP breakfast special is $4.99 for 2 eggs, bacon or sausage, hash browns and 2 pancakes; I know that we could purchase the necessary ingredients and make these meals at home and, in the long run, we would get more for our money. 

 

But, nearly every Friday, you will find me, sitting in a booth with my husband, enjoying a plateful of pancakes--which is a pleasurable indeed. We walk to the local IHOP, around the corner from our home, and when we walk in the door the host nods. We are regulars. It's a great feeling to be "a regular" somewhere in my own community, it gives me a feeling of connection. A feeling of community. 

The Friday morning waitresses are the best, we know because we have stopped in on other days of the week--and it isn't the same. Theresa is one of their best, she knows that I'll skip the hash browns and that my husband likes turkey bacon cooked crisply, please And about her, I know that she works two jobs to get by. She studied cosmetology at the local college and when she is not working as a waitress, she cuts hair in a Barbershop. 

Michelle was the first waitress we met, she a young, slender woman with a beautiful smile. She doesn't see herself this way, though. She sees herself through the eyes of her past. She sees the problems she has had with her complexion. The teasing she endured has left her so wounded, that she doesn't know if she will ever have children of her own--for fear of passing the skin condition down to her offspring. 

And then there is Lorilai. She's got the most welcoming demeanor and laughs at her own jokes. She is a Single Mom to two daughters, and she fights to maintain their innocence. She was so excited this Christmas when she saved up enough money to buy them a Wii. These women who know what we order, and bring us our food, they are special to us. 

 

This is why we do pancakes on Fridays, and we do them at IHOP.

I remember the days...

Now she's 22 and it's only 31 days until my baby girl says "I do"

These are the fun things I do on PICNIK and

I'm linking with FTLOB for the giveaway!

O is for Ordinary

1984 ~ I am a starving actress (well, at least until I get home to my Parent's kitchen, where I will make a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese). I am attending the prestigious American Academy of Dramatic Arts. My highlight of the year comes when I have a semi-private acting session/lesson with William Devane to prepare for a role that I will play opposite his son. Later when he meets my Mother at the stage production, he tells her, "She's got what it takes. Some people don't, but she does."

I am not ordinary. I am special, unique.

1994 ~ I have just given birth to my 4th child and my eldest has yet to start Kindergarten. He is 10 months younger than his sibling before him. People bring flowers and meals, and make quite a fuss about us having four children. A mother of 3 asks me kindly, "Did you always want a large family?" I am a little surprised, though she means me no harm. And I think to myself--'That's only one more than what you have'. Then she tells me that I am brave, that she could never have had so many young children.

I am not ordinary. I am special, unique.

2004 ~ My children are in school all day. I drive a minivan and pick them up after school each day. I sit with them to do math homework, which is getting too hard for me. We attend church on Sundays. We watch American Idol. I begin to believe that this is the sum of my life. I will never win an Academy Award. The boy that I dated while attending the American Academy is now famous. Since living through the death of my daughter, I have just the three children to raise. The empty space looms large. 

I am ordinary. I am not special, I am common.

Sadly, I listen to these lies, and many others just like them, for too long. I believe that my life is colorless and bland. Depression, which has been a battle for years, begins to call out to me--this damn plague knows my name all too well. The screech is unbearable.

Then, miraculously, the Spirit whispers. And the whisper is clear, so I welcome its pitch. I am not common at all. There is an adventure in this ordinary life that I lead. Every life is full of adventures, I've just been asleep. The extraordinary life is not lived by only the exceptional.   

Very few people will live the extraordinary life, but God calls every person to live their ordinary life~extraordinarily.  

So, I wonder, how do I find it. Where is the amazing life that I'm living?  Where did I leave it?

Then one morning, while reading my Bible, the amazing adventure appears. The adventure shows up when I remember a little butterfly. Soon after that, I see a spider in my bathroom. It begins to make sense, I found the adventure. It was here all along, just clouded by distraction. 

2011 ~ I am not ordinary. I am special, unique. And, in spite of what you might think, you are too.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. 

You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace,
since God has blessed you forever. 

Gird your sword on your side, you mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty. 

In your majesty ride forth victoriously in the cause of truth, humility and justice;
let your right hand achieve awesome deeds.

Psalm 45:1-4 

Random Fact: During the summer of 1977, I saw William Devane in The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training 9 times {IN THEATERS}. The only movies I have seen more {IN THEATERS}  were 11 times for Warren Beatty's 1978 classic Heaven Can Wait and 13 times for Dustin Hoffman's 1979 heart breaker Kramer vs. Kramer.

Also this:

Have an Ordinary Adventure today!

N is for Never. Nope, not I.

In continuing my count of the One Thousand Gifts that God has blessed me with, I started to think about the things that I don't have. The things that I have never experienced are numerous indeed. Not every list is a Bucket List, a catalog of things that you want to do before you "kick the bucket". There is a list that I began to feel in my being, a Never List. A record of things that I have never gone through. And I praise God for each one. 

13:: Never had to file for bankruptcy

14:: Never spent the night on a bus stop bench

15:: Never ran over my own dog


16:: Never walked the heartbreaking hallway of infertility 

17:: Never went a day without food (unless it was my choice)


18:: Never opened a drawer to discover drugs in my child's room

19:: Never lost either of my parents

20:: Never had a fire in my home


21:: Never had to attend the funeral for one of my siblings

22:: Never had to deal with my parents getting divorced


23:: Never caught my husband with another woman

24:: Never spent one moment wondering where my daughter might be. Heaven is real.

It's Multitudes on Mondays, over at A Holy Experience, and as I think of the things that I have missed out on, I can't help but think of the multitudes of people who have experienced some of these trials. My heart breaks a little with the thought. But, I also know that for every single person that has experience such a heartache, such suffering, there is a way to find joy. 

I know this for two reasons. The first is evidenced in the things I have gone through, my list of events that I can't add to the Never List. Because despite the ways I have been sheltered, protected from certain pain, I've experienced some heartache. I've gone through job loss, foreclosure, relocation, and even the death of a child. When I woke up on a cold January morning, and my daughter did not, there was such a desperate finality that I thought would remain. But, God proved me wrong, when over time, and through Him, I found healing. 

I also know this, because I believe what I read. I believe what I read when I open my Bible. The testing develops perseverance which leads to a mature and complete person. Complete. God's design is not for us to live in bitterness and fear. The complete includes joy and peace. These trials that we live through, make us complete. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." James 1:2-4

M is for Mistakes

When you are getting ready to be a Mother, people begin to offer advice to help you avoid pitfalls. However, one of the things that no one teaches you when you go to Lamaze Class, to prepare for the new journey that lies just ahead of you, is how you are going to deal with the mistakes that you will make. And you will make mistakes. The mistakes that I have made with my children are one of the things that I have struggled to forgive myself for. Regret is wonderful when it steers us along to make better choices, but it can become debilitating if anguish begins to loom large. But, imperfection is a fact, and so the mistakes still appear. 

There is no perfect mother, just as their is no perfect child. But, interestingly, as moms we have greater aptitude at forgiving our children for the mistakes that they make than we have for forgiving ourselves. I look at the lessons my children have learned, through the mistakes that they have made and --that's what I see, the lesson. And, then it occurs to me, that's how my Mother sees me. A life full of lessons, not a woman defined by mistakes. So, as the child of my Mother, I get to experience what I give to my children. Mercy and grace. 

The truth is, you never know how much your own Mother loved you, until you become one yourself.

Mothers, we need not be defined by the mistakes that we've made. Because, a long time ago for us, but what feels like a blink and breath to our Mothers, we were the child. 

My own Mother made a "mistake", and I am so thankful she did.  

In the mid 1960's my Mother was busy with her toddler son and his new infant brother, when she realized she was pregnant again. 

Unplanned, an accident? 

A mistake? 

A surprise. 

And, so I was born just the year after my brother.  

Perhaps, she sees me as a prize.

And, I'm thankful in turn, that I followed her lead. 

In the mid 1990's I was busy with two preschoolers and their new infant sister, when I realized I was pregnant again. 

Unplanned, an accident? 

A mistake? 

A surprise. 

And, so my youngest was born just the year after his sister. 

Always a prize.

On Mother's Day, we celebrate Mom, because, let's face it, she is the one who celebrates us everyday.

April's Saturday Evening Blog Post

I am excited to participate is this particular Blog Hop. I think it is important to go back and reevaluate your work. It is a good time to see what worked and what didn't. Plus, it is a way to see how faithful God was through the month. 

For myself, for April, I chose, B is for Breathtaking View

In this particular hop, you post a link to what you feel was your best writing (or photography) for the previous month. It is a great way to meet new bloggers and to read some good work. 

Happy hopping, enjoy the reading time!

L is for Lord of the Rings

I know most of the names of the characters, and I can answer the easier questions about the movie in a game of LOTR Trivial Pursuit. I have hosted a marathon in my home, though I personally had to leave the house, somewhere between Hobbiton and Mordor, to go for a walk and get some fresh air. In short, I know enough about LOTR to be a good wife--supportive, that's me! And, being that my husband has felt "overlooked" as I have been making my way through the alphabet, today is a chance for me to share all the secrets to life that I have gleaned from Lord of the Rings. 

KNOW WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE:

Gollum/Smeagol was not a true friend. True friends do not envy what you have to the degree that it unleashes a split personality. True friends don't long for your ring, or your power. True friends don't look for ways to get what you have. Their personal issues should not lead you into a dark cave. The dark cave that you follow them into should be your first clue that it is time to move on, time to invest in a new friendship. Or even reinvest in an old friendship. 

Samwise was a true friend, each time I watch LOTR, (which seems to be an annual event) I always get a little emotional when Samwise tells Frodo about carrying his burden, this ring, "I can't carry it for you, but I CAN carry you!"  We need to surround ourselves with the people who will see us through to the end, our relationships should have give and take. Now, you may have a friend with a split personality, and it is good to be supportive to them while they work out their issues. But, if you choose to do this...I'm just saying, you may lose a finger.

TRUST YOUR SWORD:

I have a sword and it is super sharp. I rely on the Bible as a sword, because it cuts through the lies that this world throws my way. But, I have to trust it. The Holy Spirit dwells inside of me, and like Frodo's sword, (Sting turns blue) the Spirit prompts me. I have to trust that prompt and pick it up. When Frodo was in Moria and the Cave Troll attacked, he would have never known what was coming. But Sting did. In the same way, God knows the Cave Trolls that are heading my way.

IT'S OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT:

Gimli was short, ruddy and stocky, and looked as if he had not showered in months. While, Legolas was tall, blonde, and his hair was quite clean. The first worked with an ax and the latter had skills with the bow. They were able to find unity and friendship in spite of their differences. Even the cute little hobbits had to accept each other's differences. Samwise had to accept Frodo's patience for Gollum/Smeagol in spite of the fact that he didn't feel the same compassion to strange hobbit like creature.

GROW WITH THE CHANGE:

The trials that we go through are going to shape us and change us and when we fight the changes is when we face constant, chronic frustration. Merry and Pippin returned from their time with the trees a few inches taller, this wasn't a change that they knew would happen when they first agreed to be part of the Fellowship. And, as for the protagonist, Frodo, his life was forever altered. He changed so much over the course of his time spent carrying the ring, that he couldn't even return to Hobbiton and enjoy the innocent life he has always known. And he had to be okay with that. 

ALWAYS FOLLOW THE GOOD LOOKING GUY:

If you find yourself in a tumultuous situation, such as being hunted by Orcs, you can pretty much guarantee you will survive if you stay with the good looking guy. (Side Note: this also works if your cruise liner tips over, if you are wandering through a jungle, robbing a casino, being attacked by sharks, pursued by aliens or involved with any Superheros) You can lose all your weapons, or be trapped in a castle while the whole world is on fire. But, if you just follow the good looking guy, you will survive. Hey, it has always worked for me. 

K is for Kaleidoscope

"Colors spinning, shapes twisting, the change is what makes it fascinating, this kaleidoscope of give and take that begins the day your daughter is born." ~J.J.Sill

I have a mother, and I know her name. I learned her name as a young girl, when she was at work and I was at home.

Reaching up to the phone, attached to the wall, and spinning the dial, I called her office, I called out for her. I had to speak first to the receptionist and ask for my mother. I learned that I couldn't just ask for "Mom". Some of the phone calls were simple, a quick question that she could answer, without too much stress into her workday. Some of the phone calls ended in tears, as her three adolescent children fought with one another, and longed for control. But, the feeling that I remember was that of pursuit. I was chasing my Mother, seeking her time. It was a time of me as the cat, she as the mouse. 

Many years later, when I was a new mother, living six states away from my Mother, she would call me each morning. I would rush to the phone, on the wall in my kitchen, to hear her voice. But, the instant that my newborn daughter would begin to fuss, the phone call would come to an end. She was chasing her Daughter, seeking her time. It was a time of me as the mouse, she as the cat. 

Today, I call from my cell phone, while driving my car, to speak with my Mother, and she asks, 

"What's wrong? You don't usually call." 

My heart sinks. Oh, was it my turn to be the cat? Was I playing the mouse, when I am supposed to be the pursuer. My eyes well with tears, because I know what the future will one day hold for us all. Life is moment. A breath and its gone; am I playing with fire in my relaxed nature of it all?

I sit in an office, on a warm afternoon, and my cell phone rings with a individualized ring tone, announcing my daughter. She's been playing the cat, chasing after my time. I rush through the call, and I take it all for granted. I assume that when the time comes and it's my turn to play cat, she'll answer my  call.

Through the time that I have been both a daughter and a mother, I have watched this paradigm as it changes, swirls and shifts. As a younger woman, I didn't understand it. I thought that the way that we each related would always stay the same. 

But, as I have experienced daughter-hood flowing within motherhood, I understand that the constant will always be change. It's hard for me to purposeful and I don't want to make a mistake. Trust, grace and love have to become the trinkets at the end of my kaleidoscope. I have to look through those shades when viewing my choices, and the choices of the two women who I love more than life. These are the shades of grace and peace. 

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