R is for Roller-coasters, and Revisions

I was thinking about my attitude toward life when I was in my 20's, my 30's and now in my 40's and it occurred to me, that while I always think I understand things from a new perspective as I age the perspective is all that really changes. I know that the roller coaster analogy has been used so often that the car is looking a little rusty and the loops that it makes are not all that thrilling--but it was so real to me, I have to share.

In my 20's, my children were bursting out of me almost faster than I could name them and being a youth pastor's wife was the primary way I defined myself and my faith. Looking 2 decades backwards, I now realize that I viewed my life as though I was riding a roller coaster. I was a passenger and I was not in control of the things that happened to me. I felt like the happenings of my life were determined primarily by the Lord. I knew that He loved me and that He cared about me as a young mother and as an inexperienced servant, I felt that if I just held on as tightly as possible, I could close my eyes and He would see me through the journey. And He did. But, along the way, there was A LOT of pain and, to be quite blunt, it scared the hell out of me.

In my 30's I think that I saw the roller coaster as a very dangerous place to be and I longed to get off. In his book, Finding God When You Need Him Most, Chip Ingram writes of the 10 Psychological Factors that contribute to depression. Recently I read through his list, and as I completed the list--my eyes clouded. I had, at one point while I was in my 30's, owned all 10.

1. major loss

2. inward anger

3. guilt (real or imagined)

4. major transition or milestone

5. grief

6. negative thinking

7. low self esteem

8. being around negative people

9. unrealistic expectations

10. self pity

No wonder I had been depressed! No wonder the roller coaster was so scary! No wonder I tried to unfasten my seat belt and jump off! Somehow, I believed that watching the roller coaster would be better than being on it and having no control. I guess I thought those were my only options.

I would love to say that now, in my 40's, I've mastered the skill of riding a terrifying ride and here is the secret... But, that is not the case. I still ride it and there are moments where I feel I am less than ready for the upcoming drop. But, I do some other things differently. I get off the ride every single day. I get off the roller coaster and I help set the tracks. I meet with the Ride Operator and listen to His plans--and then I oil the wheels and allow the Ride Director to prompt me. I also trust in the Rise Operator's ability to maneuver the car across the tracks, because unlike the unshaven, carnival worker who just flips a switch, the ride operator for the Roller-coaster we ride has foreknowledge and the power to invade and prepare me for the drops.

As far as the List of 10 Psychological Factors, I still struggle with #3 and #5 but because I have eliminated some of the other numbers--#7 is leaving my life. I am excited to see what I will think about my attitude from my 40's--when I am in my 50's, 60's and my 70's. My prayer is that I will always be open to hearing when it is time for a revision.

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way" Colossians 1:9-10

Speaking of roller-coasters and revisions, this article was originally entitled "What I Think About I Bring About" and was posted in February of 2010. I was never crazy about it, and thought many times about deleting it. I felt the original version focused too much on the a belief system that was more New Age than my own. But, this morning, on a whim, I decided that it deserved the same chance to be remade that I depend on hourly! Thanks for reading!

"This is My Body"

It hit me during communion. I had been on a Women's Retreat with other ladies from my church over the weekend and now I was home and enjoying the worship service on Sunday night. I have been worshiping at the same church for almost 4 years, but due to the distance between our home and the church as well as work obstacles I hadn't been able to get plugged in and serve. At least that was the story I had been telling myself.

God has been taking me down a path of discovery and of self awareness and, honestly, it hasn't been a fun journey. It's felt a little like being on a roller coaster with no seat belt. My heart has sunk to new lows as I acknowledged a sense of loneliness that had been chewing on me for some time. I have felt guilt, remorse and every other word that describes regret as I recognized my own part in the distance I have created from this body of believers. Then in an upward thrill on the roller coaster I have felt God forgive my selfishness and fill me with his presence to ease the loneliness. Fear then peace. Down and up and then up and down. And at times during the last several months when I've felt too weak to hold on, God would place His hands on my shoulders and remind me that I wasn't going to fly out of the car, He would see to it that I stayed in my seat.

The weekend retreat was the result of a divine intervention and because of that I went eagerly to see what God was going to do. I have been to enough retreats and camps to know that I would connect with someone and come home with a friend. But, of course, God's plans are always more grand than our own. I came home connected to many women. I was able to have small moments with several different women. I made one friend who was designed to be the friend to the wife of a pastor--and hopefully, I've been designed to be her friend as well. The part of me that has been holding back was slapped gently across the face in a way that only the Holy Spirit can do and I came home confident in the power of God to work in my life and make me a better servant. My weekend was overflowing--beyond my expectations.

At the Sunday evening service I looked around and the faces that I had seen before and suddenly they had names to go with them, I no longer felt fearful as the roller coaster moved along the track. God had already been showing me He could provide peace during the scary times, but I had forgotten that He also provides people.

I took my bread and placed it on my lips and whispered to myself, "This is your body..."

And my eyes welled up with heartfelt tears. THIS IS YOUR BODY. These people are your body and they are here for me. I am your body and I am here for someone! As a body of believers we are here for each other. WE are the hands to minister to the weak and hurting, we are the voice that tells the lost of His Kingdom and we are also the arms to hug one another. God has allowed me the chance to be in this body to experience the arms around me and for me to be the arms around someone as well.

I know that being involved in ministry and serving is not going to save me from feeling the downward fall of the roller coaster. I've served in other churches and I know that serving the Lord is a ride like no other. But, I won't be alone on the ride! God's body of believers will be riding with me. I also don't know all the ways that God will use me in this body, but I do know this: the best part about riding on a roller coaster is I don't have to steer. God has taken care of the destination and I just need to be in the car and ready to go.