Painful Things to Hear

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Half of me is cleaning my bathroom before people arrive at my house for a barbeque. One quarter of me is planning and plotting my next blog. One eighth of me is trying to decide if I have time for a shower. And, then quietly the other eighth of me is saying, "Stop blogging".

Stubbornly, I ignore the eighth of me that is telling me to stop doing the thing that has been so fulfilling, especially of lately. Divided as I am, I turn my attentions to the vacuum cleaner, the proportions of what I am doing are altered a bit, but the voice still whispers, "Stop blogging".

I walk away from the vacuum and move to my desk. I sit at my laptop with the evening sun beating through my westward facing window, and onto my face. It is hot and uncomfortable, and I am angry as I punch on the keys. Angry that I have to still run the vacuum. Angry that I am feeling torn and divided inside of myself. Angry most of all at the whispering voice in my head. This doesn't make any sense...I type.

This doesn't make any sense.

I know this voice and it is not a voice of confusion. It wouldn't tell me to stop what I am doing just to cause me anxiety. What purpose would be served in me stopping my writing? I am so overcome with emotion that I could easily cry, but considering my history with emotionalism, I don't trust these feelings.

I leave my computer and I turn on the shower. Now, half of me is thinking about face wash and shampoo. And the other half of me is crying out to the Lord for an answer to His whisper to me. I stand in my shower and with water beating me down-- I look at the words I have taped to the wall. 

"perplexed...but not in despair...persecuted but not abandoned...struck down but not destroyed."

This morning I wake with questions on my heart for the Lord.
"What is Your plan? You led me to writing as a way to honor YOU. You gave me a desire for service through expression. You have confirmed to me over and over, that You can use my words...and now, You whisper to me to stop blogging?"

And I hear the whisper again. "Stop blogging."

I head back to my shower, hoping to find comfort in the water. Warmth and comfort. But, as the water nudges me, I hear something new. "This blogging. Is it for Me or for you?"

Are you kidding me? It's for you, Lord! I have been writing for You! And then, I pause and I wonder...has my writing stopped being for Him?  

Would I write if no one ever read it?

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Would I write with such enthusiasm if there were nothing in it for me. My heart sinks and I want to disable my FOLLOWER button. I want to urge people not to LIKE this. But, I can't. The part of me that can't won't becomes a place of shame.

And, at the end of my blog for today...the only hope that I have comes back to the words taped on the wall of a shower.

"perplexed...but not in despair...persecuted but not abandoned...struck down but not destroyed."

I am not going to be destroyed by my own self seeking, self promoting nature. It may confuse me as I work my way through it, but not to the point of despair. And in the same way, I am not abandoned, because I seek the Lord to guide me through and He will stay with me even through the ocean of self doubt that rages within.

---

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 

For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."

Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 2 Cor. 4:8-14

Day One -- The Wall

 I have come upon a wall, a familiar one. The wall is named doubt and insecurity--but it tries to convince me that those names are unwarranted. If you could see it, you would be surprised...it isn't gray and deteriorated. It is lovely, covered in ivy and purple enchanting flowers; it is successfully enticing and relaxing. It tells me to stop and stay where I am. I lures me into believing that this place is safe and fulfilling. But, my curiosity beckons me to lift the ivy away from the wall and see what someone has scrawled underneath. I pull the green leaves away wondering if I will find the initials of past lovers who pulled the bench close to the wall and lingered in a wistful embrace before engraving their initials as a promise to remember.

No initials find me. Instead I am met with a confession. The confession reads like a warning, a plea.

I gave up at this wall.

My heart is sad. I don't want to think of myself as giving up. I try to convince myself, "I am not giving up, I am just resting!" Right? 

"I will continue. I will not stop and savor so long that I forget where I was heading and what waits on the other side." Will I? But, then I wonder...what is on the other side? 

I slide down the wall and lay my head against the ivy...and wonder. Will I ever know? Will I get to the other side to see. Reaching back into the ivy, I pull it away and I see...initials. Initials? 

J.S.

"No!" Stunned...I step away and remember another day. Another dream. How many dreams have I allowed to float away on the breeze, while I stood near the wall of self doubt? How many times have I listened to the negative self talk, rather than the chirping of the song bird, whose gentle voice was telling me the way to the gate?

I'm issuing myself a challenge and I'm inviting you to come along! My words are not coming out of my brain, through my mess of a hair, landing on my shoulders, moving down my arms, into my fingers and onto the keyboard the way I want them to. I have decided that I am going to write a short but thoughtful entry each day to correspond with the LETTERS in the ALPHABET. From A-Z, I will explore some thoughts. Things I am thankful for and things I am not. Things that I may find in my refrigerator or at the bottom of my purse.

PLEASE join me tomorrow and LEAVE ME your own thought that CORRESPONDS with the LETTER for the day. Tomorrow will be A.   

You have time to think today. Tomorrow, when I post my blog on the letter A's topic...you can comment and let me know what you came up with. It may take less than 28 days to get around this wall...but, we will take our time and enjoy the journey from A to Z.